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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2015 9:44:20 GMT -5
Hello everyone. I'm a long time reader of HFF, currently researching switching my little ones to a raw diet, but this is my first time posting. I've intended to do an introduction post for a while, but I haven't had time to do so. I know how it may seem, my first post being in The Rainbow Bridge. You guys don't know me, so I don't really expect anything. I just don't know what else to do. I'm devastated. Without giving my entire life story, this has been a rough year. I lost both of my first ferrets at the ages of 8+ years, sisters (Sugar & Spice) I adopted from neglected conditions. I loved them dearly and losing them has been incredibly difficult. This October, I adopted another very neglected ferret, and named him Ash. At just six months of age, I was his third home. After quarantine, treatment for a nasty case of mites, some training, and TLC, he joined my two girls (Ivy & Lily, both 1 year), and they adored him. This past Wednesday, I made the biggest mistake of my life. I have never felt so horrid, so guilty, and so much like a monster. All my little ones were out playing, and my partner and I were tidying up. Laundry, dishes, dusting, etc. After a while, I realized I didn't see Ash around. He wasn't in his usual sleeping spots. I called for everyone with the favoured squeaker; no Ash. Maybe he found a new place a little more tucked away, I thought. And then, my heart sank into the very pit of my stomach. The laundry. I frantically pulled ferret blankets out until I saw little pink paws... and I started screaming. I killed my baby. How could I do this? How could I be so neglectful?? I always do a head count before I start a wash, why was today different?! I'm always so careful! How could I let this happen? Attempted CPR through hysterical sobs and an emergency phone call proved to no avail... he was gone. Just a baby, barely seven months old, and I did this to him. I was supposed to be so much better for him, I was going to give him everything he would ever want... but instead I give him this. I'm so sorry for the long post... I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm so consumed with guilt and self loathing. I don't know who to talk to, I don't feel like my friends understand how horrible this feels. I feel like they're being too kind, saying accidents happen... there's no excuse for what I did. My perfect, loving little boy. I'm so sorry, Ash. I'd do anything to have you back. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read... again, I'm sorry for the long post. I just feel so alone suffocated by the grief and guilt.
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Post by Thérèse on Nov 15, 2015 10:20:33 GMT -5
This is one of the tragedies of owning ferrets, their adventurous nature will sometimes lead them into danger and no matter how hard we try to protect them, sometimes they will catch us unawares.
You loved Ash and he knew that. I am going to say to not beat yourself up but I know that you can't help it because you loved him and only wanted to give him the best. I know that if this happened to me (and like you I check before I do a wash but there is always the possibility that one day I may be distracted and that may be the day one of them is in the machine) I would blame myself and the guilt would never leave me but that would not change what had happened. The best you can do is try to ensure Ash's death helps other ferrets. Hope that it will keep you from ever doing the same thing again. Hope that your story here will make someone else be vigilant to the risks of adventurous ferrets. I know that it is a reminder to me to be especially careful of my little funsters.
I hope that you can get past this because clearly you have given some ferrets a good and loving home, saving them from a sorry existence. It would be a shame if you could no longer open your heart to these needy ones. Ash may not have had the life you envisaged for him but for the time he was with you he had a life he would never have had without you. He may not have got to shine for long but he did get to shine.
You are in my thoughts.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2015 10:44:39 GMT -5
Thinking of you and sending Reiki and hugs....please don't beat yourself up
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Post by Sherry on Nov 15, 2015 12:34:54 GMT -5
OMG I am SO very sorry I couldn't not begin to imagine the pain you are going through right now. As horrid as it sounds, the most common cause of death amongst ferrets is household accidents. :hug2: DIP little one, fly high and free
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Post by mjbez on Nov 15, 2015 12:51:49 GMT -5
I am so sorry for your loss. It was a terrible accident (huge emphasis on accident). Feeling responsible for the loss of a pet is horrific (I'm dealing with the same right now) and I am so so sorry. It is not too kind of you to say accidents happen, because they do. It sounds like you have a big heart for the ferrets in need, and I can tell he had an awesome life with you. DIP little guy
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Post by Heather on Nov 15, 2015 13:32:44 GMT -5
I'm so sorry. There is nothing I can say or anyone for that matter to make that pain go away. I will say that I almost washed my wee Calypso one day because she'd bundled herself up in the dirty laundry. If I hadn't been in the habit of shaking out every single item of clothing and checking sheet corners I would have washed her. Unfortunately, death by misadventure is probably the number one killer of ferrets. I will light a travelling candle for your wee one to guide wee paws onto his next great adventure. I will also light a strength and healing candle for you. May it's flame burn away some of the anger and guilt you feel. ciao
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2015 14:18:01 GMT -5
I am so very sorry, too. My heart goes out to u.
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Post by unclejoe on Nov 15, 2015 22:20:51 GMT -5
I know from bitter experience exactly how you feel. The things that make ferrets such amazing pets are also the things that can get them into terrible trouble. They are fearless and usually silent. I wish I could say something to make the guilt go away.
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Post by lyles on Nov 15, 2015 23:07:05 GMT -5
So many casulties lately, jesus. I know exactly how you feel, one of my first ferrets I owned died when I didn't pay attention to a towel on the floor. I wasn't paying attention and stepped on it, being a big guy it didn't take much to pulverize his insides. Years later, it has become second nature for me to always watch my feet around them. It is terrible that it was a lesson learned with a cost of a life, but take solace that from now on you will be checking your laundry articulately. Miece in peace, little one
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2015 3:27:36 GMT -5
Oh my, this is terrible, I am so very sorry you are going through this. I've been on this guilt trip for a long time myself, and I know the struggle. I've been through crying to sleep,to nightmares and insomnia all together after my baby passed of insulinoma ( and i was too blind to see the signs, and I was such a fool to feed him what the petstore recommended me for his entire life without researching much on my own). I was naive. After his passing I researched everything I could have, I became paranoid. Now i take my babies to the vet at almost every sign, better safe than sorry. I also count heads before starting washing, drier and dishwasher, as I have caught mine inside (when it was off), shake the laundry before putting in and all. I know no words can comfort you,even though we understand you so well... i will suggest you what i have been suggested myself - some grieving councelling. Maybe it'll make it manageable. I was suggested the same thing since I've been in a poor state even after a year and a half (and losing some other dear family members in that time).
What I myself did to cope with it - in his name, I rescue ferrets in need. I already stopped thinking about the number. I foster and rehome occasionaly, but mostly I adopt the unadoptable. The ones that nobody else wants to adopt. I now have 5 of my own, but 1 planned, everyone else rescued. It helps when you help I guess. And i am really happy to have them in my life. I also try to help other people not make the same mistakes I did. I know it's all at the cost of a life, but we can't turn back time as much as we want to,and it's better to not let it waste, to learn something out of it and help other lives in need. Someday when I am more settled in one place this will become a shelter, I hope.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2015 12:33:27 GMT -5
Thank you all so much for your kind words and shared experiences. I can't begin to relate how much it means to me. Part of me really wanted you all to hate me and tell me what a horrible person I am; I feel like that's what I deserve. I know that when the shoe was on the other foot, I was right there, telling the other person not to blame themself. Its just so hard not to. I can't stop wondering what needed to happen in order for me to be diligent, as usual. Ash really helped me get over the loss of my old, sick girl, Sugar. I'm not sure what to do to help me get over losing him. Perhaps, in time, adopting another needy fuzzbll will help. In the mean time, I'm going to inquire about grief counselling and look after my Lily and Ivy the best I can. Its so heart wrenching that, along with being prone to illness, and a short lifespan, these lovable little imps have their curious nature working against them, too. Not to mention to commercial market. absinthefairy, I completely understand how you feel. With my first ferrets, I thought I was doing so well by actually feeding them ferret food (they were previously fed generic cat kibble), giving them ferret treats, and supplements. Lo and behold, I probably gift wrapped Sugar's insulinoma for her. Its a scary thing to learn... that everything with a ferret slapped on it is pretty much aiming to make them sick. Luckily we both learned from our mistakes and we're better for it, and our ferrets reap the benefits. I admire you for taking in so many needy ones, and your dream of having a shelter. I hope to have the space to do the same, someday.
Thank you all again, so very much. Knowing there are people out there that love these little guys just as much, and are able to understand how devastating a loss is, somehow makes it a little bit bearable.
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Post by Corvidophile on Nov 17, 2015 14:52:24 GMT -5
Be well, and take care of your grief any way that feels right to you, and don't let anyone ever tell you "it was just a ferret," as sometimes people are wont to do about pets. You've experienced a lot of people's worst nightmare, but you care deeply for them, and that's all that matters going forward.
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Post by Blue on Nov 17, 2015 15:39:30 GMT -5
I am so so sorry Maybe Ash was a shooting star, brilliant and brief, and lighting up your life before moving on. You gave him some wonderful last weeks -- he knew what it was like to be loved and cared for. Gentle hugs to you :hug:
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Post by dorena261-Natalia on Nov 17, 2015 17:40:36 GMT -5
fillerbunny, i'm so, so sorry for your loss noone hates you or think you're bad person, on the contrary. don't you ever think that, please! accidents DO happen, and i think you're very brave to write down all of this, risking condemnations. we can see how hard this is for you and that shows how much you loved him i hope you can pass all this without blaming yourself that much, counselling will help. and someday, maybe, another little ferret in need will come to your life and delete all bad in your past. i'm having troubles with english, it's not my native language and i have a lot on my mind to tell you but don't know how... i can only send you lots of virtual hugs <3 take care sweetie :wave2:
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Post by unclejoe on Nov 17, 2015 22:47:38 GMT -5
After losing my forst 2, i rescued 3 pairs of boys in about 6 months and 2 more girls within a year. I ended up with 8 ferrets and a ferret nation cage for $50 REHOMING FEE FOR ONE PAIR. i went a bit nuts trying to make up for feeling so guilty. If I told you all of my story you'd think I was the bad ferrent.
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