Post by xeopse on Apr 3, 2011 20:35:02 GMT -5
I write this with a broken heart. The ferrets that I took home and asked Heather and Sherry so many months ago if I would ever be able to bond with them have officially stolen my heart. I never thought it would happen, I took these guys in on a total whim because I felt bad, but here I am - brokenhearted after one has left.
Kevin and I helped Lulabelle to the bridge last night around 8:00 PM. My teacher is the one that did it, she knows how hard this has been. We did a thorough exam to make sure this is 100% the right decision. While her heart somehow seemed normal (despite it being way enlarged) her respiratory system is a mess. Her organs were pressing everything up, she was having such a hard time. Her blood was not oxygenating and her breaths were quick and shallow all the time. She was not responding to the predisolone anymore despite increasing her dose twice over 48 hours. I knew it was the right thing to do, I told myself all day it was the right thing to do. When it came down to it though... holy moly, talk about a flood of tears.
Lulabelle did great for her exam, but she refused to leave me. If I put her on the table or her blanket she would crawl right up the sleeve of my jacket, right up to my shoulder and look me right in the face. She would kiss my face (no I never taught her to do this and this is the first time she's done that) and then burrow into the crook of my arm. My teacher kept telling me how beautiful she was and how I did right by her. She used to say things in class when she first came to our school how raw feeding is inappropriate and I could hurt them, but here she is saying how this is probably how she managed to live this long - how beautiful her coat was, how good she smelled, and how much weight she put on since she first came from the lab. This was so hard to do. I have put animals to sleep, but this felt SO WRONG. I was grasping at anything I could do to put her back in her crate and drive back home as soon as I could to try something new - a new medication, a new diet, a surgery... but we all knew she wouldn't survive surgery, she wasn't even a candidate. She almost didn'teven make it thrugh her xrays when she crashed 3 weeks ago - without being able to breathe right, it was making everything else worse. I read everything I possibly could all day on it, I knew there was nothing else to be done and that if I broughth er back right hten I would regret it completely because she would suffer slowly and then die in so much pain. So I went through with it anyways. I cried so hard the entire time, I don't even know how I kept myself up.
My teacher had to give her the sedative IM via her leg muscle, which Lulabelle was difficult to get to sit still. I kept thinking "if she is this much of a fighter then this is so wrong to put her to sleep, I should giveh er more time to see if she does better..." but we listened to her lungs several times throughout the whole time - we had her there for an hour listening and making sure we were doing the right thing. Both lungs are entirey consolidated. What else could I do? =/ When she finally calmed down with the sedative I made sure she was on her blankie and let her make a nice bed the way she wanted, then we injected the solution IP which I have never seen done for euthanasia before. I'm not sure how other ferrets are done, so I would be interested to know what the norm is. She passed within a few minutes, but it seemed like forever. I checked her heartbeat three times to make sure she was really gone. Even Kevin cried when the whole thing was happening, he kept hugging me while I was crying and hugging Lulabelle so she was between us before she passed. It was like she knew. She kept looking to me. Anytime I had to put her down she kept trying to squirm away and run back to my arms - this did not make anything any better. I kept thinking she is such a fighter, my little Lulabelle, all systems are go except for her respiratory and immune system.... but if she cannot breathe........... this will only end badly and I will hate myself even more. I still can't believe that I did it. What's weird is that immediately after it happened I felt relieved. Not that I was okay with what I just decided to do, but i felt relief. The suffering she would have endured was spared, she did not deserve to experience that pain and I would have been a terrible and selfish pet parent to have let it happen.
We didn't get to my parents house until 9:30. Leia said her goodbye in the car, she sniffed the crate several times, looked at us, and laid down next to the crate the whole way to my parents. I'm probably lucky my iPhone died on the long trip to my parents house because otherwise I would have sat there crying over Lulabelle's pictures the whole hour and a half. My parents were relatively supportive, they never knew I even had ferrets (they have never visited me in Massachusetts) said some encouraging words when I told them what was wrong with her and why she needed to be put to sleep and like a proud parent I showed them dozens of pictures of Lulabelle through her different coat sheds (how different she looked - what an oddball) as well as her sisters. My mom found a small box and purple tissue paper to place Lulabelle in. We dug her hole around 10:00 and had her buried by 10:30. Placing her in the box was... I don't even know how to describe it. Heartwrenching. I was trying to distance myself, but I kept repositioning her in the box to what would be a more "comfortable" and natural-looking position even though it obviously won't matter. I covered her with the pretty purple tissue paper and placed her in the ground. I was so gentle putting the rocks over her - making sure she would not be crushed by their weight, and I must have told Kevin ten times to be careful not to hurt her while still making sure no animal could dig her up later. Filling in the hole itself was easy enough for me, but looking at the filled hole hit me like a ton of bricks. That's when it hit me that there is no taking this back. I felt like I failed her.
I went inside and tried to console myself by loving on Leia but the whole way home I was so sad. As soon as we got back into the car to drive the hour and a half back home, it was like I was completely exhausted even though 5 minutes before saying by eot my parents I was just fine. Kevin said I was probably emotionally exhausted, it's been a very long 4 weeks with Lulabelle since I noticed her getting sick. A very, very long four weeks. Coming home to the bathroom strewn with her toys and boxes and bags but no Lulabelle was hard. It was like a very distant memory. We didn't get back until late, but I felt like I needed to clean it up but didn't have the heart to. I had to take some sleeping aids to keep me through the night... luckily today has been a busy day to keep my mind occupied - which I realized is key in coping with the death of our babies. I'm glad I have very supportive friends too - the ones that did know Lulabelle know how hard it was because she was always the "favorite" to everyone that met her but at the same time we all knew it would happen eventually =/
Today I have been cleaning her sisters cage. I realized today how much I neglected them - it is a mess, they started pooping next to the litterbox and I didn't even notice until today. I have cleaned their boxes and given food/water daily but they have not been able to come out of their giant cage for two weeks now. If they have it was't for very long. Their nails were long. They were starved for attention (hence the pooping outside the box.) They had diarrhea, probably from the stress. I apologized to each one even though I knew I can't reason to them why I couldn't play with them and pay more attention - I didn't realize what kind of a full time job taking care of Lulabelle was until today. No wonder why I was exhausted. I took them all out and set them up in the bathroom with all their toys (the Tornado and Helix) and boxes and golf balls and let them go nuts while I cleaned their cage and mended a ramp that somehow got bent. I trimmed all their nails. I checked each one out thoroughly. I talked to them all and nuzzled my face in all their fat little bellies.
Then I realized. I have four ferrets. I can only tell the difference between one. Cidalia is almost entirely black except for her mask. The others are sable, with identical markings and colors. Within the last month they have all grown into their spring coats (oh wait til you see the pictures... god they are GORGEOUS) and theyve grown into their adult bodies. Persephone's coat looks exactly like her sisters Delphine and Odette - and the latter two have identical markings now. I could tell them all apart after months of having them, but not Im back at square one! They are all the same weight, the same color, the same markings, the same personality.... not one of them is better or worse behaved than the other! They are all angels, very affectionate, all loving to be handled and sit on my shoulder and act like a fancy new scarf. I could always tell Delphine from her sisters even if I culdn't see the markings on her head while I was trimming nails because she was ALWAYS bad bad bad bad BAD even while bribing with ferretone.. now she is perfect like the others. What am I going to do!? LOL I am starting all over again.... good grief. A month is a long time with ferrets, especially in the spring - holy cow. They are just absolutely beautiful. I will take pictures and do an intro of all. It really shows how Lulabelle really had issues - she did not look like them at all even though they were all on the same diet and exposed otthe same everything. Her fur was lovely, but not like this - their coats are sleek, shiny, nothing but a faint hint of musk if you burrow your nose into their fur, and their eyes are shiny black with muscular, petite little bodies. You would think I had show ferrets - I couldn't believe it. The raw feeding has done them extremely well, I am so impressed!
Thank you so much everyone for your encouraging words. I hope that anyone that ends up with a baby that has juvenile lymphoma sometime in the future finds my posts about Lulabelle and hopefully it helps them. I hope someday there will be some sort of a better treatment, because this is a truly awful disease. Far too young to go, she had so many other things in life to experience and enjoy. I know though that if I didn't take her and her sisters home though, they wouldn't have even experienced what it felt like to be loved and cared for, nevermind breathed fresh outdoor air or felt sunlight. My teacher said last night that Lulabelle was very lucky to end up at my house because she couldn't find a more persistent person to make sure she was as happy as a human could possibly make her.
Rest in peace, my darling Lulabelle. I love you and miss you so much pretty girl.
Kevin and I helped Lulabelle to the bridge last night around 8:00 PM. My teacher is the one that did it, she knows how hard this has been. We did a thorough exam to make sure this is 100% the right decision. While her heart somehow seemed normal (despite it being way enlarged) her respiratory system is a mess. Her organs were pressing everything up, she was having such a hard time. Her blood was not oxygenating and her breaths were quick and shallow all the time. She was not responding to the predisolone anymore despite increasing her dose twice over 48 hours. I knew it was the right thing to do, I told myself all day it was the right thing to do. When it came down to it though... holy moly, talk about a flood of tears.
Lulabelle did great for her exam, but she refused to leave me. If I put her on the table or her blanket she would crawl right up the sleeve of my jacket, right up to my shoulder and look me right in the face. She would kiss my face (no I never taught her to do this and this is the first time she's done that) and then burrow into the crook of my arm. My teacher kept telling me how beautiful she was and how I did right by her. She used to say things in class when she first came to our school how raw feeding is inappropriate and I could hurt them, but here she is saying how this is probably how she managed to live this long - how beautiful her coat was, how good she smelled, and how much weight she put on since she first came from the lab. This was so hard to do. I have put animals to sleep, but this felt SO WRONG. I was grasping at anything I could do to put her back in her crate and drive back home as soon as I could to try something new - a new medication, a new diet, a surgery... but we all knew she wouldn't survive surgery, she wasn't even a candidate. She almost didn'teven make it thrugh her xrays when she crashed 3 weeks ago - without being able to breathe right, it was making everything else worse. I read everything I possibly could all day on it, I knew there was nothing else to be done and that if I broughth er back right hten I would regret it completely because she would suffer slowly and then die in so much pain. So I went through with it anyways. I cried so hard the entire time, I don't even know how I kept myself up.
My teacher had to give her the sedative IM via her leg muscle, which Lulabelle was difficult to get to sit still. I kept thinking "if she is this much of a fighter then this is so wrong to put her to sleep, I should giveh er more time to see if she does better..." but we listened to her lungs several times throughout the whole time - we had her there for an hour listening and making sure we were doing the right thing. Both lungs are entirey consolidated. What else could I do? =/ When she finally calmed down with the sedative I made sure she was on her blankie and let her make a nice bed the way she wanted, then we injected the solution IP which I have never seen done for euthanasia before. I'm not sure how other ferrets are done, so I would be interested to know what the norm is. She passed within a few minutes, but it seemed like forever. I checked her heartbeat three times to make sure she was really gone. Even Kevin cried when the whole thing was happening, he kept hugging me while I was crying and hugging Lulabelle so she was between us before she passed. It was like she knew. She kept looking to me. Anytime I had to put her down she kept trying to squirm away and run back to my arms - this did not make anything any better. I kept thinking she is such a fighter, my little Lulabelle, all systems are go except for her respiratory and immune system.... but if she cannot breathe........... this will only end badly and I will hate myself even more. I still can't believe that I did it. What's weird is that immediately after it happened I felt relieved. Not that I was okay with what I just decided to do, but i felt relief. The suffering she would have endured was spared, she did not deserve to experience that pain and I would have been a terrible and selfish pet parent to have let it happen.
We didn't get to my parents house until 9:30. Leia said her goodbye in the car, she sniffed the crate several times, looked at us, and laid down next to the crate the whole way to my parents. I'm probably lucky my iPhone died on the long trip to my parents house because otherwise I would have sat there crying over Lulabelle's pictures the whole hour and a half. My parents were relatively supportive, they never knew I even had ferrets (they have never visited me in Massachusetts) said some encouraging words when I told them what was wrong with her and why she needed to be put to sleep and like a proud parent I showed them dozens of pictures of Lulabelle through her different coat sheds (how different she looked - what an oddball) as well as her sisters. My mom found a small box and purple tissue paper to place Lulabelle in. We dug her hole around 10:00 and had her buried by 10:30. Placing her in the box was... I don't even know how to describe it. Heartwrenching. I was trying to distance myself, but I kept repositioning her in the box to what would be a more "comfortable" and natural-looking position even though it obviously won't matter. I covered her with the pretty purple tissue paper and placed her in the ground. I was so gentle putting the rocks over her - making sure she would not be crushed by their weight, and I must have told Kevin ten times to be careful not to hurt her while still making sure no animal could dig her up later. Filling in the hole itself was easy enough for me, but looking at the filled hole hit me like a ton of bricks. That's when it hit me that there is no taking this back. I felt like I failed her.
I went inside and tried to console myself by loving on Leia but the whole way home I was so sad. As soon as we got back into the car to drive the hour and a half back home, it was like I was completely exhausted even though 5 minutes before saying by eot my parents I was just fine. Kevin said I was probably emotionally exhausted, it's been a very long 4 weeks with Lulabelle since I noticed her getting sick. A very, very long four weeks. Coming home to the bathroom strewn with her toys and boxes and bags but no Lulabelle was hard. It was like a very distant memory. We didn't get back until late, but I felt like I needed to clean it up but didn't have the heart to. I had to take some sleeping aids to keep me through the night... luckily today has been a busy day to keep my mind occupied - which I realized is key in coping with the death of our babies. I'm glad I have very supportive friends too - the ones that did know Lulabelle know how hard it was because she was always the "favorite" to everyone that met her but at the same time we all knew it would happen eventually =/
Today I have been cleaning her sisters cage. I realized today how much I neglected them - it is a mess, they started pooping next to the litterbox and I didn't even notice until today. I have cleaned their boxes and given food/water daily but they have not been able to come out of their giant cage for two weeks now. If they have it was't for very long. Their nails were long. They were starved for attention (hence the pooping outside the box.) They had diarrhea, probably from the stress. I apologized to each one even though I knew I can't reason to them why I couldn't play with them and pay more attention - I didn't realize what kind of a full time job taking care of Lulabelle was until today. No wonder why I was exhausted. I took them all out and set them up in the bathroom with all their toys (the Tornado and Helix) and boxes and golf balls and let them go nuts while I cleaned their cage and mended a ramp that somehow got bent. I trimmed all their nails. I checked each one out thoroughly. I talked to them all and nuzzled my face in all their fat little bellies.
Then I realized. I have four ferrets. I can only tell the difference between one. Cidalia is almost entirely black except for her mask. The others are sable, with identical markings and colors. Within the last month they have all grown into their spring coats (oh wait til you see the pictures... god they are GORGEOUS) and theyve grown into their adult bodies. Persephone's coat looks exactly like her sisters Delphine and Odette - and the latter two have identical markings now. I could tell them all apart after months of having them, but not Im back at square one! They are all the same weight, the same color, the same markings, the same personality.... not one of them is better or worse behaved than the other! They are all angels, very affectionate, all loving to be handled and sit on my shoulder and act like a fancy new scarf. I could always tell Delphine from her sisters even if I culdn't see the markings on her head while I was trimming nails because she was ALWAYS bad bad bad bad BAD even while bribing with ferretone.. now she is perfect like the others. What am I going to do!? LOL I am starting all over again.... good grief. A month is a long time with ferrets, especially in the spring - holy cow. They are just absolutely beautiful. I will take pictures and do an intro of all. It really shows how Lulabelle really had issues - she did not look like them at all even though they were all on the same diet and exposed otthe same everything. Her fur was lovely, but not like this - their coats are sleek, shiny, nothing but a faint hint of musk if you burrow your nose into their fur, and their eyes are shiny black with muscular, petite little bodies. You would think I had show ferrets - I couldn't believe it. The raw feeding has done them extremely well, I am so impressed!
Thank you so much everyone for your encouraging words. I hope that anyone that ends up with a baby that has juvenile lymphoma sometime in the future finds my posts about Lulabelle and hopefully it helps them. I hope someday there will be some sort of a better treatment, because this is a truly awful disease. Far too young to go, she had so many other things in life to experience and enjoy. I know though that if I didn't take her and her sisters home though, they wouldn't have even experienced what it felt like to be loved and cared for, nevermind breathed fresh outdoor air or felt sunlight. My teacher said last night that Lulabelle was very lucky to end up at my house because she couldn't find a more persistent person to make sure she was as happy as a human could possibly make her.
Rest in peace, my darling Lulabelle. I love you and miss you so much pretty girl.
You are a wonderful ferrent. You're Lulabelle needed you so badly these last few weeks, and I'm quite sure the others DO understand. They are pretty remarkable that way.
Now- they have a very experience, wonderfully knowledgable mamma!
